You recently received your child’s diagnosis of Learning Disability, your child is about to transition to secondary school, post secondary school, or the workplace, or there may not be any obvious explanation, but your family’s emotions are on separate roller coaster rides…what is going on?

One possible explanation is that you and your family are grieving. Grief is a multifaceted response to loss – in this case, the loss of your child pre-diagnosis; the hopes and the dreams you envisioned for him/her. People do not move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss, they are not necessarily in the same stage of grief at the same time as other family members, nor for the same amount of time.

Richard Lavoie suggests that, “Some parents skip over stages; others remain in one stage for an extended period. These stages are as follows:

Denial: “There is really nothing wrong!” “That’s the way I was as a child – not to worry!”
Blame: “You baby him!” “You expect too much of him.” “It’s not from my side of the family.”
Fear: “Maybe they’re not telling me the real problem.” Is it worse than they say?” “Will he ever marry? Go to college? Graduate?”
Envy: Why can’t he be like his sister or his cousins?”
Mourning: “He could have been such a success, if not for the Learning Disability.”
Bargaining: “Wait ‘til next year!” “Maybe the problem will improve if we more (or he goes to camp. etc.).”
Anger: “The teachers don’ know anything.” “I hate this neighbourhood…this school…this teacher.”
Guilt: “My mother was right; I should have used cloth diapers when he was a baby.” “I shouldn’t have worked during his first year.” “I am being punished for something and my child is suffering as a result.”
Isolation: “Nobody else knows or cares about my child.” “You and I against the world. No one else understands.”
Flight: “Let’s try this new therapy – Donahue says it works!” “We are going to go from clinic to clinic until somebody tells me what I want to hear!”
He continues, “Again, the pattern of these reactions is totally unpredictable. The situation is worsened by the fact that frequently the mother and father may be involved in different conflicting stages at the same time (e.g. blame vs. denial; anger vs. guilt). This can make communication very difficult.”

It is important to recognize that grieving may be an explanation for certain behaviours and emotions being exhibited by you and/or other family members. Developing self awareness skills, cultivating effective support systems and fostering emotional coping strategies will help ease these bumpy times.

Want a clear strategy to head off homework battles, build your child’s self esteem and successfully navigate the Ontario school system? Click here.